Early formative years can be crucial for a child’s healthy development. Their experiences during this time can be instrumental in shaping their inner world. These perspectives are based on their observations and inferences of people and events around them and, in turn, shape their self-perception, social behaviors, and coping mechanisms.
What may be trivial occurrences for adults can influence young and impressionable children deeply. Exposure to traumatic events can have severe and lasting consequences on them. Events such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, poverty, unhealthy parenting, neglect, and an atmosphere of violence have been identified as “Adverse Childhood Experiences” (ACEs).
The Complexity of ACEs Among Males
While several reports suggest that girls are more vulnerable to abuse than boys, understanding the dynamics of childhood trauma among males requires a unique lens. Such incidents can remain unnoticed and hidden behind a veil of shame, lack of knowledge, or stigma. An additional cause of under-reporting, especially prevalent in the case of adolescent boys, is the surrounding blanket of toxic masculinity.
Even as boys grow up to be men with agency, control, and expression, they rarely exercise it to open up about their experiences because of internalized shame and ego battles.
While these conversations are equally difficult for women, there is at least hope that initiatives toward women’s empowerment open room for conversation and creation of safe spaces for them. Discourses and spaces which promote a healthy self-image and mental health for men are either limited or inaccessible due to perceived barriers.
Looking Within: Concept of Self and Worth
Traumatic experiences such as abuse and neglect can be internalized in the form of a shattered “self”—one that is perceived to be unlovable, unworthy, and undeserving—just not “good enough.”
Such men spend the rest of their lives either chasing unrealistic standards for productivity and material success or in narcissistic pretense of being superior to others around them.
These conflicts can manifest in the form of a fragmented identity, often pulled down by shame and impostorism, and dysregulated emotions of aggression, discontent, and disappointment. Such feelings are also rooted in the idolized conventional gender role of the male provider and head, who is the epitome of “having it all together.”
Emotional expression in young boys is often stigmatized with comments that make “crying like girls” an unforgivable offense. Such boys, who were always encouraged to shut down vulnerability as if emotions came with switches, grow up to prefer emotional distance and struggle with communication about their feelings in fear that it makes them “less of a man.” Interpersonal Relationships: Lack of Trust and Intimacy
Absence of security in attachment and relationships during early life can result in difficulties forming deep and meaningful relationships as adults.
Inconsistency or inadequacy in care, along with repetitive messages to “man up,” can result in pervasive and persistent tendencies of “insecure attachment.”
Unpredictability during childhood can manifest as “anxious-preoccupied attachment,” characterized by clingy behaviors, lack of boundaries, and need for validation—along with pressuring the partner to fulfill their needs.
On the other hand, those who experience neglect internalize unhealthy distance and avoidance in what is called “avoidant-dismissive attachment.” This is further heightened by popular perceptions of “Casanovas and playboys,” men desired by many but belonging to none.
The Spoken and Unspoken: Concept of Society
Not having safe and nurturing caregivers can cause over-generalization of distrust and a strong need for hyper-independence. “Nobody can be trusted,” and similar ideologies make looking out for oneself necessary. Some go as far as portraying themselves as “baddies and bullies” to avoid being “messed” with. Beneath this guard of macho strength lies a disturbed image of social realities stemming from early experiences of neglect or betrayal.
Many young boys experience what is called “parentification,” the process of having to be responsible for the family’s needs—emotional, moral, and financial. Not only does this mean that they have to take up several roles and responsibilities beyond their own age, but also that they begin to believe that their own needs are unimportant.
Moving on?
No man should have to suffocate in the shackles of toxic masculinity and suffer from the effects of childhood trauma alone. Communication with loved ones, reflecting on the inner self, and seeking professional help can be beneficial in unpacking the burden of trauma. It is important to keep in mind that healing is possible and help is available.
In conclusion, navigating the journey of trauma recovery requires a blend of self-acceptance, professional guidance, and compassionate support networks. Acknowledging and validating the impact of childhood trauma lays a foundation for healing, alongside engaging in therapies and participating in supportive communities. Self-care practices, such as maintaining physical health and exploring mindfulness, foster resilience against stress and anxiety. Addressing toxic masculinity encourages emotional expression, fostering deeper connections and healthier relationships. Through reflection self-compassion, individuals can cultivate continual growth and embrace a path towards healing and personal fulfillment. Remember, seeking help is nothing but a a sign of strength. It takes courage to acknowledge one's challenges and actively work towards healing and growth.
"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." — Lou Holtz Written by Anjali Mahalke
Co-author - Aastha Arora